why does it matter? all this work? all this time away from self? all this sacrifice? will it make a difference? and what difference exactly do we want to make? why is it so important that we make this difference? will it make us bigger than what we are? bigger than what we were?

is it acceptance? do i want to simply just be accepted among the people i walk with? the people i want to walk with?

a part of me tells me i am chasing something superficial, something that shows itself, once obtained, as mist.

what should i strive for? what will help me face the inevitable end with courage, without fear? you say no such thing exists. you say courage and fear can coexist. you say that in fact is the definition of courage: to face reality, to face the facts, without looking away despite every bone in your body telling you to run. to run without looking back. oh, only if running made any difference.

you say showing up is what matters. showing up consistently despite the fear, despite the absence of will, despite the absence of belief, absence of belief from others, and most sadly, absence of belief from oneself.

a tragic story, isn’t it? when the only person that you thought would be on your side, looks the other way.

ignorance i can accept. but why the hurtful words? why the constant betrayal? why the everlasting condescending glance?

to suffer alone, i wouldn’t wish upon any of my enemies.

let there be someone by you on your days when looking up seems too impossible.